Children do not 'witness' domestic abuse, they experience it… Yet we somehow keep imagining them as being passive in families where this abuse happens. They are not, they are living it.
One in seven children and young people under the age of 18 will have lived with domestic violence at some point in their childhood, and we mustn’t forget that the population in refuge is 70% children (Women’s Aid).
The effects of abuse in the home – somewhere that should be a place of safety and comfort - can be long-lasting, impacting well into adulthood if early intervention doesn’t happen. Without intervention, children and young people increasingly find themselves living with issues arising from these adverse childhood experiences, such as mental health issues, emotional or behavioural disorders, substance abuse, incarceration and in some cases a lower life expectancy.
At Oasis, we’re dedicated to supporting children and young people from the ages of 0 through to 25 years and their families to heal, grow and move towards a positive future.
We currently provide refuge for around 60 children each year, offering a place of safety as mum comes to terms with what she and her family have experienced. We don't ever want a mother to feel that she has harmed her children, when what she's been doing is trying to keep them safe and to manage a family dynamic that she didn't sign up for. We support her on every step towards building an independent and safe new life free from abuse, whilst giving the children somewhere to find comfort, togetherness, play and support as they start to deal with their trauma which is confused within the very real loss of their father.
For these children trauma is a normal part of their everyday existence. They wake in the morning to their normal life. But, they are experiencing trauma and it is becoming part of their neurology, with effects that are multi-faceted, varied and complex.
They can develop survival systems to protect themselves, such as, blocked trust in adults and professionals, finding it difficult to relate to other children at school and struggling to attain developmental milestones. Research increasingly evidences these issues: a young person’s brain is affected, its physiology altered, making it difficult to engage the brain in thinking, concentrating and enjoying experiences. This is not conducive to learning as education research has found.
Healing needs to happen.
Our Early Intervention team works with our child residents and across the community, adopting a 360 degree approach to ensure we reach as many children and young people suffering abuse as possible. Through referrals from schools, Social Services and Child and adolescent mental health services, we have worked with 157 children and young people on a 1-1 basis in 2018-19. All of our work is around relationship building, demonstrating care and the development of trust. Lasting change comes when children are emotionally literate, aware of the impact of their trauma and consequently become empowered and confident.
Our team member Jo describes the mentoring experience Oasis gives:
Our mentoring sessions give children a safe environment. There is laughter, fun and play. Feeling safe, accepted and understood is what’s needed if they haven’t experienced that. Once they feel safe, they are able to engage and can start to develop new ways of thinking and healing mechanisms. Making a connection and getting beyond the blocked trust is our goal. It’s not a black and white situation.
Stress can change brain architecture. Choices for them are so complicated. Being in constant fight or flight mode affects thinking, decision making and emotional control. They have complex feelings of grief and loss; they have been harmed or seen harm caused by someone close to them (emotionally, physically or sometimes both) but still love them; they feel guilty for not wanting to see them whilst also missing them.
We help our mentees discover what’s important to them, their own values and feelings. Our building blocks steer them on a journey to something positive – it’s so incredibly inspiring and rewarding to enable them to do this.
“My son gained emotional distance and perspective from a perpetrator; dramatically reducing his belief of self-hatred, blame, guilt and shame.”
“The sessions helped me develop a better relationship with my mum and made me feel happy most of the time. Hopefully for years to come. ”
“My mentor really helped me. My feelings were dark like the weather when we started work, and when we finished it was bright and sunny.”
“The help and stability the mentor gave my son was amazing. The Oasis team followed through with what they said they would do, the support has mean amazing.”
Every child and young person reacts differently to their lived experience, some display clear signs of trauma, others none at all.
We work with police, healthcare professionals, teachers and social workers to educate and inform them of the possible signs and what to look for. Symptoms of trauma can manifest in a multitude of ways from physical signs to behavioural and role playing - the withdrawn child, caretaker, high achiever, joker.
This year, 68% of the children we mentored stated that they experienced a positive mental health outcome following our intervention. 59% experienced an increase in their confidence and 64% showed improved coping strategies. 33 had improved attainment at school, 24 are attending school more regularly, 39 have showed a reduction in challenging behaviour, 33 socialise more often, and 47 have an improved relationship with their non-abusing parent. These aren’t just numbers for us, it represents how vital our work is to effect change. Experiencing abuse in childhood makes young people at higher risk of harm in their adult relationships. So we educate them about respectful relationships and how to stay self to prevent this from happening.
Abuse isn’t always something that happens at home. As young people start to experience and experiment with their own relationships, particularly romantic ones, being able to identify and understand what makes a healthy relationship is key.
Relationships are complex, as are emotions, especially during adolescence and young adulthood. As our hyper-connected world makes it easier and easier to forge friendships and feel part of a community, the online world can bring real life risks, dangers and overwhelm overload, causing confusion, blurred boundaries, stress and anxiety. Up to 20% of young people will face physical abuse and, evidence suggests, far more will experience coercive and controlling behaviour from partners during their early experiences of intimate relationships.
Without support for young people these behaviours are likely to become normalised, with long-term consequences to their sense of self-worth, their resilience and their mental health.
Our Just So You Know workshop is delivered in schools, focussing on consent, grooming and healthy relationships. In the last year, 664 children and young people attended these workshops across Kent. We’re committed to educating pupils and teachers about good, sound relationships to prevent future abuse - love should never hurt. If you’re a teacher, you can find our resources here http://www.oasisdaservice.org/school and here’s an interesting article on how to reduce toxic stress in the classroom.
“When speaking to pupils about the sessions they said they learnt about some issues in a setting whereby comfort and safety where paramount. I would recommend this activity to another school and definitely would have Oasis back into school again if the opportunity was presented.
”
“I would like you to know that what you do is amazing because you teach us and other children how to be safe and to know what to do and where to get help.”
Sadly, the number of children needing our help is growing, not lessening. There’s still more work to be done, more children to mentor, more young people to support. See how you or your organisation can donate to Oasis today: http://www.oasisdaservice.org/donate.
Get Help Now
If you or someone you know is experiencing Domestic Abuse, you can get help fast:
In an emergency always call 999 (if you can’t speak, cough or tap the handset then press 55 on your phone - the police will know it’s an emergency) or 101 for non-emergencies
For non-emergency support and safety planning, if it’s safe to do so:
In Kent: Call Victim Support on 0808 16 89 111 email kent.vart@victimsupport.org.uk or use live chat bit.ly/VS-livechat
In Medway: Call our helpline 0800 917 9948 or email RAISEreferrals@oasisdaservice.org
www.oasisdaservice.org/raise
Domestic Abuse is everybody’s business
Support survivors by becoming DA Aware
www.oasisdaservice.org/what-is-d