Is this abuse?

It's important to think about whether our relationships are okay. Abuse is not an exact science and cannot be identified solely through a Quiz or Flow Chart.

The resources below can, however, act as an informal guide and help you to question things in your relationship that may not be healthy. Ultimately, it is important to seek appropriate advice if you feel that your relationship is abusive or has some abusive traits. We are here to support you - get help now >

The Relationship Quiz & Flow Chart

Relationship Quiz

  • Does your partner get angry when you want to spend time with your friends or demand that you spend all your time with them?

  • Does your partner check your phone, email, Facebook and twitter accounts?

  • Does your partner try and get you to defriend people on Facebook, take down your photos, or stop you messaging your friends?

  • Is your partner always calling, texting or snapchatting you to check where you are and who you’re with?

  • Does your partner tell you what to wear or how to do your hair?

  • Does your partner laugh at you or put you down in front of other people?

  • Does your partner get aggressive? Do they hit, shove, slap or kick you?

  • Does your partner threaten to harm you or themselves?

  • Does your partner call you names?

  • Does your partner pressure you to have sex when you don’t want to, telling you that “everyone is doing it” or that you would do it “if you really loved them”?

If the answer was yes to any of the questions, you or someone you love may be in an abusive relationship. There are many options and resources available to help you. You can always ask for support and help, you are not alone.

If you want to speak to someone about your relationship you can get help now. 

“My husband used to be very controlling and manipulative. He would overdose and say he was going to kill himself. He would accuse me of affairs, he accused me of sleeping with one of my female friends and a lifelong family friend. He would lock me up in the house and take away my phone.”
— June

Warning signs

A person’s experience of domestic abuse will be very individual but all abusive relationships have some common factors - things that lots of victims have said happened to them.

If you have to regularly change your behaviour because you are scared of your partner/family member’s reaction, you are probably being abused.

This list might help you to think about whether you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship.

  • Verbal abuse

    Criticising your clothes/ body/parenting/housekeeping/cooking, shouting, mocking, accusing, name calling, verbally threatening, humiliating you verbally in public.

  • Pressure tactics

    Sulking; threatening to withhold money, disconnect the telephone, take the car away, commit suicide, take the children away, report you to welfare agencies unless you comply with their demands regarding bringing up the children; lying to your friends and family about you; telling you that you have no choice in any decisions.

  • Disrespect

    Persistently putting you down in front of other people; not listening or responding when you talk; interrupting your telephone calls; taking money from your purse without asking; refusing to help with childcare or housework.

  • Breaking trust

    Lying to you; withholding information from you; being jealous; having other relationships; breaking promises and shared agreements.

  • Isolation

    Monitoring or blocking your telephone calls; telling you where you can and cannot go; preventing you from seeing friends and relatives either directly or by making it uncomfortable when you do try and see them.

  • Harassment

    Following you; checking up on you; opening your mail; repeatedly checking to see who has telephoned you; reading your texts; looking at your emails; embarrassing you in public.

  • Threats

    Making angry gestures; using subtle body language that only you and the abuser know in order to threaten you; using physical size to intimidate; shouting you down; destroying your possessions; breaking things; punching walls; wielding a knife or a gun; threatening to kill or harm you and the children.

  • Sexual violence

    Using force, threats, or intimidation to make you perform sexual acts with the abuser or someone else; having sex with you when you don’t want to have sex; any degrading treatment based on your sexual orientation.

  • Physical

    Punching; slapping; hitting; biting; pinching; kicking; pulling hair out; pushing; shoving; burning; strangling.

  • Denial

    Saying the abuse doesn’t happen; saying you caused the abusive behaviour; being nice to you in public; crying, saying sorry, begging for forgiveness; saying it will never happen again.

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