Worried about someone else?
If you suspect or know that a friend, family member or colleague is being abused, it’s important to support them, but it isn’t always easy.
They may not realise that what they’re experiencing is abuse, and it can take a long time for someone to build up the courage to leave an abusive relationship. Having someone there to support them, however long it takes, can make a real difference.
If your friend or family member feels supported and encouraged, they may feel stronger and more able to make decisions. If they feel judged or criticised, they might not tell anyone again, so listening and supporting them is very important.
If someone is experiencing domestic violence, they may:
Feel ashamed and reluctant to tell people or seek help
Feel frightened and uncertain about what the future will hold
Feel it’s in the children’s best interests to stay
Abuse can reduce the ability to make big decisions
being isolated from family and friends means making big decisions alone, without a support structure
Financial abuse and shared finances can make leaving difficult
Knowledge about the services available can be limited
They might have received a negative response when they reached out to someone for support in the past
Still have feelings for their partner and hope that the relationship will get better
Worried about a child or young person? Get support here >
Do's and don’ts when helping someone who is a victim of abuse:
Don't:
Blame them
Say "why do you put up with it?"
Try and work out why they're being abused; concentrate on being supportive
Be impatient if they're confused about what to do. It is really hard for anyone to end a relationship, and it is especially hard if they are scared and being abused
Set ultimatums - leaving an abusive relationship is the most dangerous time for a victims of abuse, your support shouldn’t put someone in danger
Do:
Use supportive language and questioning, for example "I'm worried about you because..." or "Is everything OK?" or “Are you being harmed in some way?”
Tell them "I'm here if you want to talk"
Listen to and believe what they are telling you
Gently reflect back - “How did that make you feel?” “That’s unusual, that must have really upset you” “You don’t deserve to be treated that way”
Acknowledge how strong they are and how well they are coping
Take it seriously. Help them work out how to stay safe
Validate the situation - “I can’t imagine there is anything you would have said or done to warrant that behaviour”
Support them, whether they decide to stay or leave - they will need you to stick by them
Encourage them to speak to an agency who can help them
Help to build their confidence and feel better
Spend time with them doing things they enjoy
Don’t judge, don’t push for information. It can take time for someone to disclose and be ready to leave. Just be there.
Keep safety information to hand - on your phone, in a notebook.
Ask what they need from you to help them – once someone has disclosed that they’re experiencing abuse, find out where your local services are and signpost how they can contact them. Consent is important. Remember to look after yourself too.
Let the person know that they are not alone and give them resources and numbers they can call.
Offer to help draft their questions and talking points or even visit a One Stop Shop drop in centre together. Practical help, like babysitting children while the victim goes to an appointment, can be a big help and gives them back some control.
It can be tough to know the “right way to ask'' someone if they are experiencing abuse. But the best approach is to go in kindly, gently and patiently.
Signposting victims to safety
The person experiencing the abuse needs to refer themselves for help, or be referred by a professional service. You cannot make a referral on their behalf. So it’s important that you have information on who to get in touch with, for them to make that first step.
“Other people were standing by me, waiting for me to be ready. Nobody could have pushed me into asking for help any faster than I did. If you suspect that someone you know is suffering abuse, be ready to give them support when the time is right.”
“For a victim to be able to move on and become a survivor, they need support, not judgement. Try not to be judgemental, as yoy=u’ll be playing into the perpetrator’s hands. The victim will become even more isolated. They need you to not give up on them”
